People Pleasing

     

  

    
       
      
         
          
             
                  
             
          

          

         
      
       
    

  


      “My Teen is Dating – What Do I Do?”   Having your teen enter the world of dating can cause anxiety for any parent. A dad’s instinct may be to think of ways to scare off his teen’s date, while a mom may want to grab binoculars and spy in the bushes. Though protecting your kids is important, open and nonjudgmental communication is the best tool to support your teen in making good dating decisions. With the right approach, parents have the power to help teens stick to their values, keep realistic expectations, and manage the highs and lows of dating.     So what can parents do to support teens as they date?     1. Focus on the purpose   Ask your teen what they believe the purpose of dating is. When teens go into dating with a clear understanding of its objective, they are more likely to make rational decisions and avoid negative situations. Remind them that dating is about developing their relationship skills as well as getting to know what they want and need in a partner. If they date simply to fit in or to fill their craving for intimacy, they will likely be disappointed.     2. Discuss what healthy looks like   When parents talk to teens about dating, they often focus on rules such as, “No being out past 10,” or, “no drinking and driving.” An additional priority should be to talk to your teen about what healthy relationships look like. Remind them of the characteristics of supportive and long-lasting relationships including:      Trust    Mutual understanding    Communication    Respect    Honesty    Faithfulness    Praise    Maintaining interests outside of one another     3. Help them recognize abuse    Teach your teen the warning signs of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse such as:    Isolating them from friends and family    Insulting, degrading, or intimidating them    Cheating    Showing intimate pictures or “sexts” to others    “Gas-lighting” (when an abuser gets called out for their abuse and turns it around on the other person to make them think they’re crazy)    Hitting, kicking, grabbing, pushing, or biting    Stalking or constantly monitoring them    Guilting or coercing into sex or other acts     4. Build up boundaries   Encourage your teen to determine the behaviors that they’ll refuse to accept in relationships. Remind them to explain their boundaries to their date in the beginning so that expectations are clear from the get-go. It can be helpful to define boundaries in the following categories:     Emotional  – Example: “If my date calls me insulting names, that is crossing my boundary.”   Physical  – Example: “If my date puts their hands on me in anger, that is crossing my boundary.”   Digital  – Example: “If my date asks me to Snapchat sexual photos, that is crossing my boundary.”    Moms – if you need help taking your own advice on healthy boundary-setting, check out our women’s guide to stop people-pleasing       5. Play it positive    Although you want to teach your teen the warning signs of unhealthy relationships, make sure you approach this milestone with a positive attitude. Don’t speak about it with dread or express disdain for their date; that will only drive your kid away from you. Tell your teen you’re excited for them to experience this new aspect of life and that you trust them to make the right choices. Show interest in learning more about their date and the good qualities your teen sees in them.      6. Rely on respect   When you’re talking to your teen about dating, make sure to keep a calm and respectful tone. If they feel you respect their individuality and opinions, they will be more likely to return the same respect to you. Even if you’re met with sighs and eye rolls, try to keep your cool and trust that your teen will hear what you have to say. Make sure to ask your teen’s point of view as well and listen with empathy and understanding.     For more tips on being an emotionally intelligent parent,    click here      7. Don’t steer away from sex   It may be tempting to avoid discussing sex with your teen, but remember that if you don’t give them the sex talk, their locker room buddies will. Regardless of your family values, don’t make your teen feel bad or abnormal for having natural sexual feelings. Express that these feelings are a normal part of maturing into an adult, but there are values that you expect them to adhere to. Think through your values and clearly explain them to your teen. It’s also important to talk to them about what others might do so they know ways to respond if they are met with unwanted advances.      8. Trust the job you’ve done   After you’ve said your piece, take off your private investigator hat and hang the binoculars back in the closet. You’ve spent more than a decade preparing your child for this milestone, teaching them right from wrong, empowering their self-esteem, and establishing boundaries for their behaviors. Trust that your lessons have prepared them to be resilient through the good and bad aspects of teen dating.      9. Know when to intervene    The ups and downs of dating can be incredibly positive in shaping your teen’s identity, building their emotional intelligence, and preparing them for adult relationships. However, it’s not uncommon for teens to enter unhealthy or abusive relationships. If you’re concerned that your teen is in a dangerous relationship, or if you’re just unsure how to talk with your teen about dating, our specialists can help.        
	 CLick here to find a specialists that's right for you 
       *Please note: since the publishing of this blog, Variations Psychology has narrowed its focus to diagnostic testing and psychological evaluations. Our Doctors can evaluate whether you or your loved one have a diagnosis and guide you through the next steps in achieving your mental health or academic goals. While Variations does not offer counseling, our diagnostic evaluations allow us to refer patients to specialists who are best equipped to meet their needs. In addition,     this link       can guide you through a directory of therapists, psychiatrists, treatment centers, and support groups in your area.        Subscribe to our blog for a weekly article on topics that affect your life         
     Y.on("domready", function(){
     Y.all('input[name="lname"]').setAttribute("value", "X");
     });
          
 
   
     
      
        
     
     
       
        
          
            
          
            
               
                 
                   First Name 
                   
                 
                 
                   Last Name 
                   
                 
               
            
          
        
        
          
             
               Email Address 
               
             
          
        
          
        
       
       
            Sign Up    
       
      
          
        
      
     
      We respect your privacy.  
     Thank you! 
      
   
 
      Found this article helpful?     Rate and review us on Google and Yelp               

  

    
       
      
         
          
             
          
             
                  
             
          
             
          

          

         
      
       
    

  


      

  

    
       
      
         
          
             
          
             
                  
             
          
             
          

          

         
      
       
    

  


              The purpose of this article is to provide an overview of the highlighted topic. For a full consultation, assessment, and personalized treatment plan, schedule an appointment  with one of our specialists.   More about Variations Psychology   Variations Psychology is a group practice specializing in Child and Family Psychology.  Our specialists provide therapy to infants, children, adolescents, and adults to help them overcome the many challenges they may face throughout the lifespan of a family. We also conduct diagnostic testing of child and adult conditions that may impact the family’s mental health and development (e.g. ADHD, Autism Depression, Anxiety, Learning Disorders, college entrance exams, graduate and professional licensing exams such as MCAT, LSAT, GRE, CBEST, NCLEX, GMAT, CA Cosmetology Exam, CA Contractors State Licensing Exam, and CA Bar Exam).  See our   Specialists   page to select the specialist that best suits your need, or simply give us a call and we will guide you..  Variations Psychology is located in Newport Beach, CA and provides counseling to residents throughout Orange County and its surrounding areas including Newport Beach, Newport Coast, Irvine, Shady Canyon, Laguna Beach, Laguna Hills, Coto de Caza, Corona del Mar, Costa Mesa, Yorba Linda, Dana Point, Laguna Niguel, Aliso Viejo, Mission Viejo, Pelican Hill, Crystal Cove, Rancho Santa Margarita, San Clemente, Lake Forest, Huntington Beach, Sunset Beach, Seal Beach, and more.      
  
       References:   Center for Disease Control (2018). Understanding Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/teen-dating-violence-2014-a.pdf  GoodTherapy.org. 9 Tips for Talking to Teens About Dating and Relationships. Retrieved from: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/9-tips-for-talking-to-teens-about-dating-and-relationships-0227157  Mayo Clinic (2017). Sex Education: Talking to Your Teens About Sex. Retrieved from: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20044034  Shinn. M.M. (2018). “Why Can’t I Say No?” The Women’s Guide to Stop People-Pleasing.  Psychologically Speaking.  [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from:   https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/the-womans-holiday-guide-to-stop-people-pleasing    Shinn. M.M. (2018). “Am I an Emotionally Intelligent Parent?” 6 Tips for Moms & Dads to Boost Their EQ.  Psychologically Speaking.  [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from:   https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/am-i-an-emotionally-intelligent-parent-6-tips-for-moms-dads-to-boost-their-eq    Whyte, A. (2018). Parents: How to Help Your Teen Set Healthy Dating Boundaries.  Evolve Treatment Centers . Retrieved online: https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/parents-how-to-help-your-teen-set-healthy-dating-boundaries/    How to Cite This Blog Article:    Shinn. M.M. (2019). “My Teen is Dating – What Do I Do?”  Psychologically Speaking.  [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from:https://www.variationspsychology.com/test-blog/my-teen-is-dating-what-do-i-do

“My Teen is Dating – What Do I Do?”

“My Teen is Dating – What Do I Do?!” Before you hire a private investigator and start stalking your teen’s every move, check out this week’s blog to support your teen through this exciting (yet slightly nerve-wracking) milestone.

     

  

    
       
      
         
          
             
                  
             
          

          

         
      
       
    

  


      “Why Can’t I Say No?!” The Woman’s Holiday Guide to Stop People-Pleasing    While the holiday season brings out many joyful emotions, it also tends to bring out the inner people-pleaser in many women. “Sure I’ll host the family dinner.” “Sure I’ll bake 700 cookies for the PTA.” “Sure I’ll sell my kidney so I can afford all these gifts.” There’s nothing wrong with going the extra mile to make the holidays special for the people you care about, but too much people-pleasing can take a toll on your well-being.   So what can women do to tame their inner people-pleaser?       1. Understand it’s a problem   You may think, “it’s easier to accommodate others rather than deal with the backlash of saying no.” While there are times to be flexible to others’ desires, excessive people-pleasing is a habit that can seriously impact your mental health. Always putting the needs of others before your own can lead to:      Experiencing stress or depression    Passive aggressive behavior    Feeling angry and resentful    Over or under eating    Neglecting self-care	    Feeling frustration from being taken advantage of     2. Realize the relationship damage    You may think that your people-pleasing helps your relationships because it reduces confrontation, but people-pleasing actually builds a wedge between you and your loved ones. When you over-work in a relationship, the other person naturally under-works knowing that you will pick up the slack, and that isn’t healthy for either of you. Plus, relationships are about people understanding one another and connecting on a personal level. Authentic connections can’t take place when you’re always hiding your true feelings.      3. Address the root issue   There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be helpful to others, but there’s a difference between being considerate and being a doormat. If you feel a lot of anxiety around making others happy, it may be due to a low sense of self-worth and/or fear of rejection. You probably know some people who don’t people-please but still have lots of friends, so let go of the idea that you need to be compliant to be liked. Focus on improving your own self-image and believing that you are worthy of having your needs met.      4. Take responsibility for your happiness   …and no one else’s! Maybe you host your family for the weekend and Aunt Susan always finds something to complain about. The roast is dry, the pillows are lumpy, your shampoo gives her eczema, whatever. Accept that no matter what you do or don’t do, you are only responsible for your own happiness, and you have no control over the contentment of others. Go to the lengths that make  you  feel happy and don’t concern yourself with what others think about it.     For more tips on developing your emotional intelligence, click here      5. Consider your sacrifices   Remember that every time you say yes to a request, you may be saying no the things you truly value. For example, if you say yes to your cousin’s invitation to go fishing for the holiday when you really don’t want to, you may be preventing your children from enjoying the traditions that you had planned for them at home. Saying no can be hard, but consider what’s being sacrificed each time you say yes out of guilt.      


   
     
      
        Click here for a free 15-minute consultation with one of our specialists
      
     
   


 
   15 minute consultation 
   
     
      
         

        

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            
               
               Name  *  
               Name 
              
                 
                    
                  First Name 
                 
                 
                    
                  Last Name 
                 
               
            

            

            

            

            

            

        

            

            

            

            

            
               
                 Email Address 
                
                 
               
            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

        

            

            

            
               
                 What is a good number to reach you?  *  
                
                 
               
            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

        

            

            

            

            
               
                 When is a good time to call you?  *  
                
                  
               
            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

            

        

         

      

      

      
       
         
       
      

      
       Thank you! 
        
     
   
 
      6. Deck the halls with lots of stalling   You invited your parents over for an intimate holiday dinner, but they ask if they can invite 20 members of your extended family. You say yes and immediately regret it, becoming angry at yourself for agreeing and resentful at them for asking. A great way around this scenario is making your default response, “let me get back to you,” when someone makes a request. There’s nothing wrong with taking time to deliver a decision, and stalling will allow you to think through the pros and cons of the request.      7. Use empathetic insertions   It can be hard to use “no” as a full sentence. Empathetic insertions can help soften your “no” while also helping the other person feel understood and less defensive. Just make sure that your response doesn’t include specific excuses, as excuses give the other person wiggle room to talk you out of your reasoning.   Example: “I understand it’s a lot of work putting your Christmas lights up, but I’m not available this weekend to come over and help.”    8. Get support   It can feel impossible for many women to say “no,” even if it means compromising her own sanity. As scary as it may seem, there are ways to build up your confidence, stick to your boundaries, and maintain happy and healthy relationships. Our specialists at Variations Psychology can empower you with the tools to learn how.      
	 CLick here to find a specialists that's right for you 
       *Please note: since the publishing of this blog, Variations Psychology has narrowed its focus to diagnostic testing and psychological evaluations. Our Doctors can evaluate whether you or your loved one have a diagnosis and guide you through the next steps in achieving your mental health or academic goals. While Variations does not offer counseling, our diagnostic evaluations allow us to refer patients to specialists who are best equipped to meet their needs. In addition,     this link       can guide you through a directory of therapists, psychiatrists, treatment centers, and support groups in your area.        Subscribe to our blog for a weekly article on topics that affect your life           
     Y.on("domready", function(){
     Y.all('input[name="lname"]').setAttribute("value", "X");
     });
          
 
   
     
      
        
     
     
       
        
          
            
          
            
               
                 
                   First Name 
                   
                 
                 
                   Last Name 
                   
                 
               
            
          
        
        
          
             
               Email Address 
               
             
          
        
          
        
       
       
            Sign Up    
       
      
          
        
      
     
      We respect your privacy.  
     Thank you! 
      
   
 
      Found this article helpful?     Rate and review us on Google and Yelp               

  

    
       
      
         
          
             
          
             
                  
             
          
             
          

          

         
      
       
    

  


      

  

    
       
      
         
          
             
          
             
                  
             
          
             
          

          

         
      
       
    

  


              The purpose of this article is to provide an overview of the highlighted topic. For a full consultation, assessment, and personalized treatment plan, schedule an appointment  with one of our specialists.   More about Variations Psychology   Variations Psychology is a group practice specializing in Child and Family Psychology.  Our specialists provide therapy to infants, children, adolescents, and adults to help them overcome the many challenges they may face throughout the lifespan of a family. We also conduct diagnostic testing of child and adult conditions that may impact the family’s mental health and development (e.g. ADHD, Autism Depression, Anxiety, Learning Disorders, college entrance exams, graduate and professional licensing exams such as MCAT, LSAT, GRE, CBEST, NCLEX, GMAT, CA Cosmetology Exam, CA Contractors State Licensing Exam, and CA Bar Exam).  See our   Specialists   page to select the specialist that best suits your need, or simply give us a call and we will guide you..  Variations Psychology is located in Newport Beach, CA and provides counseling to residents throughout Orange County and its surrounding areas including Newport Beach, Newport Coast, Irvine, Shady Canyon, Laguna Beach, Laguna Hills, Coto de Caza, Corona del Mar, Costa Mesa, Yorba Linda, Dana Point, Laguna Niguel, Aliso Viejo, Mission Viejo, Pelican Hill, Crystal Cove, Rancho Santa Margarita, San Clemente, Lake Forest, Huntington Beach, Sunset Beach, Seal Beach, and more.      
  
       References:   Clay, R. (2013). Just Say No.  American Psychological Association . Retrieved online: https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/say-no.aspx  Coyne, J. C., & Whiffen, V. E. (1995). Issues in personality as diathesis for depression: The case of sociotropy-dependency and autonomy-self-criticism.  Psychological Bulletin, 118 (3), 358-378.  Pagoto, S. (2012). Are You a People Pleaser?  Psychology Today . Retrieved online: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shrink/201210/are-you-people-pleaser  Sifferlin, A. (2012). How People-Pleasing May Lead to Over Eating.  Time Magazine.  Retrieved online: http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/02/how-people-pleasing-leads-to-overeating/  Strauss Cohen, I. (2017). No More People Pleasing.  Psychology Today . Retrieved online: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/201710/no-more-people-pleasing  Tartakovsky, M. (2016). 21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser.  Psych Central . Retrieved online: https://psychcentral.com/lib/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/   How to Cite This Blog Article:   Shinn, M.M. (2018). Why Can’t I Say No?! The Woman’s Holiday Guide to Stop People-Pleasing.    Psychologically Speaking .  [Variations Psychology blog post].  Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/the-womans-holiday-guide-to-stop-people-pleasing

“Why Can’t I Say No?!” The Woman’s Holiday Guide to Stop People-Pleasing

Do the holidays bring out your inner people-pleaser? Many women struggle to say “no” to family and friends around the holidays, even when it means compromising her own values. Check out this week’s blog for 8 tips to tame your inner people-pleaser this holiday season